(Facebook Post)
©2013 Chantelle Henderson
I know some folks will be like, “Dang, I can’t believe she’s putting all her business out there like that!”, Some people will say, “Really?! Me too!”, No matter what you say, it is what it is and I make no apologies for it. I hope it doesn't offend you but if it does there is nothing I can do about it. This is one of those post where you can say whatever you want. You can quote scriptures or swear me up one way and down the next. You can rebuke me or thank me. It does not matter to me. I will, however, delete your comment if it’s just waaaaaaaaaaaay over the edge. Like fo rizzle. Everybody has sense enough to know when the line’s been crossed.
Why am I posting it?
1. Because I’m a writer (or at least a wanna be writer) and if you know writers, when we don’t get some things actually out, for others to read (not just journals or diaries) it becomes like poison in your soul.
2. Hopefully, it will give you something to think about. If not, chew the meat and spit out the bones. OR you can upchuck the whole thing if all of it makes you sick.
3. I’m tired people. My posts are heartfelt and they are always honest and real. For over two years I’ve tried my very, very best, as a result of AN INTENTIONAL conscience effort, to maintain a drama-free page. Today you may consider it drama. I consider it a writer’s truth. I’m sharing a “diary entry” that you don’t have to wait to read until after I die. Either way, just like every other day, you’re getting to look into the wonderful life of Tae Tae and I will forewarn all my Christian brothers and sisters right now that it may not be your favorite post……just a heads up.
Today was one of those days I found myself breathing and yet not living. Those are not one in the same you know? A lot of folks think I have a life full of sun and roses all the time, but there are days like today where it is full of nothing but fertilizer. You find yourself sobbing, not feeling sorry for yourself; don’t mistake the two, but crying buckets because you realize that some of the most precious people in life turned out to be the biggest monsters you have faced. I have not, nor will I ever be perfect. My life has been and will continue to be a roller coaster unless a miracle happens. By the way, there are no small or big miracles. A miracle is a miracle.
I’m Bipolar. I have PTSD and Severe Anxiety Disorder triggered at any moment by whatever causes the PTSD. I’m not a name it. Claim it. Blab it. Grab it type of Christian anymore because I've seen life. I say anymore because I used to be. I’ve seen too much too know in my life and others that the ultimate healing may not be in way or "form" we think of it. In other words, rather than seeing our loved one stripped and healed of cancer on this side of eternity, it could be that their healing takes place by way of them crossing over into the Heavenly, eternal realm where there is no more sickness or disease. Does that mean God did not heal them? No! It means He didn't heal them in the way we expected or thought He would. It shouldn't stop our prayers or arrest or future faith for miracles. It just means that in His sovereignty, He chose a different way than we would have hoped for. I’ve had nightmares about things that took place in my past that I’ve prayed and prayed to be taken away and sometimes they get stronger and stronger. I’ve seen people I thought were the happiest take their own lives. I’ve seen some of the most committed couples commit adultery. I worked in the mother/baby unit at a hospital where mothers went in for a check-up at 38 weeks only to hear that her baby has no heartbeat. I lost a Godfather at 50 unexpectedly. Not only was he, by several standards extremely physically healthy when he dropped dead of a heart condition one morning but He was the greatest man of faith I ever knew. I know what it feels like to be raped and molested. I’ve seen great men and women of the strongest faith and belief receive the opposite of what they were standing for. Some of the aforementioned circumstances were the result of poor choices and some of these simply don’t make any sense at all. As I struggle with my past addictions and current illnesses, does that make me a person of lesser faith? Not so much. I dare say that it is, all of it, is what makes me Chantelle Yvette Thomas Henderson. God’s Jeremiah 1:5 & Psalm 139 girl! I’ll be honest, some days, as Jo Dee Messina’s song goes, My Give A Damn’s Busted-Close your mouth because you said some curse words today too…..probably several. Anywhoooo.......Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t have the patience to deal with one more crisis. If one more unexpected emergency happens it just may put me over the edge. Don’t get me wrong. I am no victim here. I don’t care what’s happened in my life I do not consider myself a victim. The people who hurt me and used me and abused me didn't win. They don’t get to win. While I don’t have the right to give judgment, I do have the obligation to bestow upon them mercy and forgiveness, but vengeance belongs to God.
I don’t pretend to be anything that I’m not. I learned a long time ago that when you wear a mask you get all hot, stinky, and sweaty and it’s just best to be you and do you. There’s always room for change and improvement. I always want to grow and change more and more in Christ. So while I am constantly a work in progress, what you see is what you get. I don’t say that pridefully. I say it because it is my greatest strength and my strongest weakness. Don’t get me wrong. When you read some of the things below don’t think that I have been that to all of the people in my life. I know what it’s like to be the opposite of those for whom I am thankful, but it was my choice. I have boundaries. We should all have boundaries. I love everyone and hate no one. It is fascinating to me that the closer Jesus got to the cross the smaller His posse got. He started with the masses. Then a few hundred. Then the disciples. Then the three he took to the Garden Of Gethsemane, Peter, James, and John. The people you read about below are people who have been in my life for many, many years. They are my Peters, James, and Johns. What is bringing me to this post is the realization that after three years in Florida, they are still my true and only ride or die girls. They have my back, not to stab, but to cover. When I get tired and weary, they place my arms around their shoulders and carry me and my storm-tossed, wounded, and broken spirit to a safe haven of trust, love, covering, and compassion just as I have done for them.
Why am I posting it?
1. Because I’m a writer (or at least a wanna be writer) and if you know writers, when we don’t get some things actually out, for others to read (not just journals or diaries) it becomes like poison in your soul.
2. Hopefully, it will give you something to think about. If not, chew the meat and spit out the bones. OR you can upchuck the whole thing if all of it makes you sick.
3. I’m tired people. My posts are heartfelt and they are always honest and real. For over two years I’ve tried my very, very best, as a result of AN INTENTIONAL conscience effort, to maintain a drama-free page. Today you may consider it drama. I consider it a writer’s truth. I’m sharing a “diary entry” that you don’t have to wait to read until after I die. Either way, just like every other day, you’re getting to look into the wonderful life of Tae Tae and I will forewarn all my Christian brothers and sisters right now that it may not be your favorite post……just a heads up.
Today was one of those days I found myself breathing and yet not living. Those are not one in the same you know? A lot of folks think I have a life full of sun and roses all the time, but there are days like today where it is full of nothing but fertilizer. You find yourself sobbing, not feeling sorry for yourself; don’t mistake the two, but crying buckets because you realize that some of the most precious people in life turned out to be the biggest monsters you have faced. I have not, nor will I ever be perfect. My life has been and will continue to be a roller coaster unless a miracle happens. By the way, there are no small or big miracles. A miracle is a miracle.
I’m Bipolar. I have PTSD and Severe Anxiety Disorder triggered at any moment by whatever causes the PTSD. I’m not a name it. Claim it. Blab it. Grab it type of Christian anymore because I've seen life. I say anymore because I used to be. I’ve seen too much too know in my life and others that the ultimate healing may not be in way or "form" we think of it. In other words, rather than seeing our loved one stripped and healed of cancer on this side of eternity, it could be that their healing takes place by way of them crossing over into the Heavenly, eternal realm where there is no more sickness or disease. Does that mean God did not heal them? No! It means He didn't heal them in the way we expected or thought He would. It shouldn't stop our prayers or arrest or future faith for miracles. It just means that in His sovereignty, He chose a different way than we would have hoped for. I’ve had nightmares about things that took place in my past that I’ve prayed and prayed to be taken away and sometimes they get stronger and stronger. I’ve seen people I thought were the happiest take their own lives. I’ve seen some of the most committed couples commit adultery. I worked in the mother/baby unit at a hospital where mothers went in for a check-up at 38 weeks only to hear that her baby has no heartbeat. I lost a Godfather at 50 unexpectedly. Not only was he, by several standards extremely physically healthy when he dropped dead of a heart condition one morning but He was the greatest man of faith I ever knew. I know what it feels like to be raped and molested. I’ve seen great men and women of the strongest faith and belief receive the opposite of what they were standing for. Some of the aforementioned circumstances were the result of poor choices and some of these simply don’t make any sense at all. As I struggle with my past addictions and current illnesses, does that make me a person of lesser faith? Not so much. I dare say that it is, all of it, is what makes me Chantelle Yvette Thomas Henderson. God’s Jeremiah 1:5 & Psalm 139 girl! I’ll be honest, some days, as Jo Dee Messina’s song goes, My Give A Damn’s Busted-Close your mouth because you said some curse words today too…..probably several. Anywhoooo.......Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t have the patience to deal with one more crisis. If one more unexpected emergency happens it just may put me over the edge. Don’t get me wrong. I am no victim here. I don’t care what’s happened in my life I do not consider myself a victim. The people who hurt me and used me and abused me didn't win. They don’t get to win. While I don’t have the right to give judgment, I do have the obligation to bestow upon them mercy and forgiveness, but vengeance belongs to God.
I don’t pretend to be anything that I’m not. I learned a long time ago that when you wear a mask you get all hot, stinky, and sweaty and it’s just best to be you and do you. There’s always room for change and improvement. I always want to grow and change more and more in Christ. So while I am constantly a work in progress, what you see is what you get. I don’t say that pridefully. I say it because it is my greatest strength and my strongest weakness. Don’t get me wrong. When you read some of the things below don’t think that I have been that to all of the people in my life. I know what it’s like to be the opposite of those for whom I am thankful, but it was my choice. I have boundaries. We should all have boundaries. I love everyone and hate no one. It is fascinating to me that the closer Jesus got to the cross the smaller His posse got. He started with the masses. Then a few hundred. Then the disciples. Then the three he took to the Garden Of Gethsemane, Peter, James, and John. The people you read about below are people who have been in my life for many, many years. They are my Peters, James, and Johns. What is bringing me to this post is the realization that after three years in Florida, they are still my true and only ride or die girls. They have my back, not to stab, but to cover. When I get tired and weary, they place my arms around their shoulders and carry me and my storm-tossed, wounded, and broken spirit to a safe haven of trust, love, covering, and compassion just as I have done for them.
Some seasons the relationships have been 30/70 others 50/50 and some 90/10. The beauty of true friendship and sisterhood is that you don’t keep track because when everything is said and done it all adds up to 100.
Thank you for allowing me to cry without making me feel weak.
Thank you for laughing at my corny jokes instead of rolling your eyes and looking at me weird.
Thank you for speaking the truth in love rather than judging me and making me feel scolded.
Thank you for loving me without condition and not only when it was convenient.
Thank you for telling me when I had food in my teeth right before I take a picture instead of taking a picture anyway and posting it on FB for the world to see :-) .
Thank you for finding beauty in my loud, boisterous laugh instead of being annoyed by it.
Thank you for not acting perfect, but for showing your flaws to because it allowed me to feel safety in showing my own.
Thank you for giving back as much as you received.
Thank you for riding the roller coaster when you had every right to stop and get off or at the very least, telling me you needed to stop and get off for a while instead of just abandoning me.
Thank you for seeing the treasure in the trash rather than the trash instead of the treasure.
Thank you for not throwing my mistakes in my face, but rather taking your love to cover the multitude in them.
Thank you for not judging me for using a swear words when you could have held so much more against me as I opened and shared the darkest secrets of my heart with you.
Thank you for not being a hypocrite when it would have been easy to hide behind a fake smile, pretty make-up, and nice jewels.
Thank you for sitting next to me with a box of tissue and helping me wipe away my tears rather than being more concerned with your mascara running.
Thank you for not using me for your purposes and then “letting me go” when I was no longer of use to you.
Thank you for sticking by me as I have battled my addictions and mental illnesses instead of bailing because it made you to uncomfortable or you didn't have the time.
The "Thank You's" can go on endlessly but there's no need because you know the rest of them all too well.
At this point simply wrapping it up with one final "Thank You." is sufficient.
For those of you who couldn't hang, it's okay. Everyone isn't meant for a lifetime. Some people are just meant for seasons and I am thankful for the season you were in my life. If you've ever been in my life you have taught me something. The time we spent was not wasted so thank you. I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically.
Thank you for allowing me to cry without making me feel weak.
Thank you for laughing at my corny jokes instead of rolling your eyes and looking at me weird.
Thank you for speaking the truth in love rather than judging me and making me feel scolded.
Thank you for loving me without condition and not only when it was convenient.
Thank you for telling me when I had food in my teeth right before I take a picture instead of taking a picture anyway and posting it on FB for the world to see :-) .
Thank you for finding beauty in my loud, boisterous laugh instead of being annoyed by it.
Thank you for not acting perfect, but for showing your flaws to because it allowed me to feel safety in showing my own.
Thank you for giving back as much as you received.
Thank you for riding the roller coaster when you had every right to stop and get off or at the very least, telling me you needed to stop and get off for a while instead of just abandoning me.
Thank you for seeing the treasure in the trash rather than the trash instead of the treasure.
Thank you for not throwing my mistakes in my face, but rather taking your love to cover the multitude in them.
Thank you for not judging me for using a swear words when you could have held so much more against me as I opened and shared the darkest secrets of my heart with you.
Thank you for not being a hypocrite when it would have been easy to hide behind a fake smile, pretty make-up, and nice jewels.
Thank you for sitting next to me with a box of tissue and helping me wipe away my tears rather than being more concerned with your mascara running.
Thank you for not using me for your purposes and then “letting me go” when I was no longer of use to you.
Thank you for sticking by me as I have battled my addictions and mental illnesses instead of bailing because it made you to uncomfortable or you didn't have the time.
The "Thank You's" can go on endlessly but there's no need because you know the rest of them all too well.
At this point simply wrapping it up with one final "Thank You." is sufficient.
For those of you who couldn't hang, it's okay. Everyone isn't meant for a lifetime. Some people are just meant for seasons and I am thankful for the season you were in my life. If you've ever been in my life you have taught me something. The time we spent was not wasted so thank you. I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically.
To my 100%, you know who you are and I love you and thank God for you each and every day.
With my love, heart, and affection always,